Jokes I like

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Jokes I like

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice,and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Good-bye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?

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Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow

1.Text on Web pages display as Morse Code
2.Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3.You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
4.You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5.Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
6.Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989.
7.You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong".
8.Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9.You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10.You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Four nuns in heaven

Four nuns just happened to die at the same time. Outside the pearly gates of heaven, they meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, "Welcome sisters."
He says to the first one, "Before I let you in I have to know, have you ever touched a penis before?"
The first sister says, "Yes St. Peter, I have. With my finger."
So St. Peter says, "okay, just dip your finger in the holy water and you're free to go inside."
He asks the second sister, "Have you ever touched a penis before?"
She says, "Yes, St. Peter, with my hand."
So St. Peter says, "Okay, just dip your hand in the holy water and you're free to go inside."
St. Peter asks the third nun, "Have you ever touched a penis before?" Just then, the fourth nun pushes the third nun aside and says to St. Peter, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after she puts her ass in it, you've got another think coming."

Vocabulary Homework

Luke is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day, Luke got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence. Here's what he wrote:

1. DISAPPOINTMENT
My parole officer tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.

2. FORECLOSE
If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORCLOSE.

3. CATACOMB
Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB.

4. ISRAEL
Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, no, ISRAEL.

5. UNDERMINE
There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.

6. STAIN
My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

7. SELDOM
My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.

8. FORTIFY
I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.